I was cleaning out some posts and came across this rough draft of what I thought would be some "hilarious" doozy of a post on "How To Bone Chicks" by yours truly. Reading it now I am not really thinking it is all that great, but I thought I'd free it up for you guys since I have been slacking on posting up worthwhile content.
Consider this post like a fucking b-side. It is half baked and I didn't finish it because I just really don't care.
SDTW Presents: How To Bone Chicks
I may be digging myself in a hole by taking on this topic, but then again if you're truly getting your advice for "life" from the internet you obviously have much larger problems to deal with.
Now if I use a stereotype or generalization in the following guide do not get your American Apparel's in a bunch. Stereotypes are not racist or sexist they are simply just ways of generalizing large groups of certain people/genders etc with certain traits or actions. I really loathe having to preface shit like this, but since most of you are fucking retarded and refuse to pick up a book you really leave me no choice.
On to the guide....
Here is a very simple cheat sheet to women that I have created based off boning a ton of chicks.
- 99% of all chicks are insecure about their looks, even the hot ones
- Being asshole is probably the single most desirable trait to chicks
- Never express your feelings to a chick before having sex (EVER)
- Do not pay for anything on a date or during initial courtship
- Not every chick you come across during your day wants to fuck you (you may think that, but you are very wrong)
- Do not try to bone chicks with boyfriends/husbands
- Fat or ugly chicks do not count keep those fake victories to yourself
Those are the basics. Not all ring true for every situation, but all of them are pretty damn universal.
As Dave Chappelle said "Chivalry is dead and women killed it."
I remember hearing that nearly a decade ago and wondered what he meant by it. Women killed the game by giving up pussy to dudes that treated them like shit. Nice or solid dudes fell to the way side because the only dudes that were steadying getting laid were the biggest assholes. You will first encounter this concept in your high school, college, or local bar scene, etc.
For example: In my high school all the dudes that had hot girlfriends all had lifted trucks, went to desert, and listened to Pennywise. These were things I did not partake in. I was the skater/drop acid during P.E kind of dude.
I did fine and did manage to obtain a hot girlfriend, but I was one of the lucky ones. Even at the young age of 16 I was clearly able to see how fucking stupid chicks were when it came to picking dudes. Needless to say this "fact" has not changed nor will it ever change since it is a subconscious "instinct" encoded deep into most chick's brains.
I will now explain some of these "rules" in further detail.
Rule 1: 99% of chicks are insecure
One of the most buster/mark ass things you can do is to tell a girl or her friend that you think said chick is good looking. You are in fact doing the next asshole that talks to her a favor because she is going to give that dude the nappy dug out and you are gonna get a certificate for "excellence in friendship".
Have fun jacking off with that on your wall.
By complimenting her in such an obvious and unoriginal way you are admitting you at the very least think she is attractive. This is not a bad thing once you are in a relationship, but if you haven't even kissed her you may as well move on because stroking her ego is only going to juice her up to go hunt down some asshole at a bar and you're most likely going to get the following phone call "Hey (whatever ur simp ass name is) I was wondering if you were free Saturday to help me move?" While you are helping home girl move into her new apartment other dude is straight sexting baby all day and he NOT YOU will be getting into the promised land.
Moral of this rule:
Never compliment her looks until after sex.
Rule 2: Being asshole is probably the single most desirable trait to chicks
I hate that this one is true. You all may think I'm a huge prick, but that is just because you are too incompetent to understand that a lot of this shit I write on here is satire. You will need to google "satire" because you are probably having a Corky moment reading a word that you do not understand.
Being an asshole does not mean that you are mean, torture cuddly animals, or push over people in wheelchairs. When I say asshole I mean that you probably don't exhibit any apathy towards a good looking woman and probably don't own a chain wallet or Tap Out shirt. Basically you need to not give off any sort of signals that lets chicks know you like them.
Don't ask them if they have a boyfriend. Dur. You don't care about that shit. Don't ask them what they are doing tonight. Again, you don't care about that shit. If she asks you what you're doing tonight, you lie. That is what an asshole does. He lies and says he is going out with some friends or some chick (don't give a name) and might go to a bar (do not name the bar either you dumb fuck). Why does this work? Because she thinks you do not CARE about her, her life, her interests, and you are sort of bothered by her questions.
This act is much easier said than done, but if you are reading this and taking notes then your game is probably pretty weak anyways so just try to be conscious of what your actions and words actually mean to chicks and you will start to learn what I mean.
Moral of this rule:
If you truly come off like you do not fucking care one bit about her, her looks, her life then she will not stop trying to get your attention until you acknowledge her existence. She will do this by hooking up with you.
Rule 5: Do not pay for anything on a date or during courtship
This one is really a gift from me because it took me a while to learn it and I get mad for not having learned it earlier in life.
That is where the post ended. See it wasn't all that great. I had intended to go on and on. I had like 3 paragraphs worth of material just on how easy it is to bone Asian chicks and other really politically correct subjects. For every one good post I write there probably 5 duds like this one that you never see.
Back to the internets....