SDTW Lookbooks Are For Assholes (Jessica Clark)

Many moons ago some Aussie folks asked me to pontificate if you will on this Jessica Clark chick. All I knew at the time was that she was Australian and had face tattoos. I chose not to post about her because I thought it was a mere fart in the ever changing winds of the internet. I assumed she was something that would pass shortly. She didn't.

Fast forward a whole year later and now she is very famous for ahem.....drum roll please.......having face tattoos. That's it. Not having face tattoos and being a great writer or fashion wunderkind. Nope. Just for taking pictures of herself with her face tattoos and wearing streetwear hats and t shirts. That's it.

This made her social media very popular apparently and she has used this popularity not to make money, but to get free American snapbacks and hoodies and more face tattoos.

Cue this:



(breathes deeply)

She is so "infamous" now that o.g triple oh geez The Hundreds made her a model in their look book.

Let's go to scoreboard Tom!

Things That My Terrible Face Tattoos Got Me:

- Internet hype
- Loads of snack backs, mate
- A free trip to L.A (not really a thing)
- No possible way of getting a proper job at all
- A "modeling" job in a look book

That all sounds like the best trade ever.

I'm not mad at her or The Pennies.

They didn't reblog her a bagillion times. Well, I'm sure she re-blogged her own vain cell phone portraits until they went viral, but AFTER that the blame goes to all of the 17 year old retarded girls from all over the world that think rap music is real and that tattoos are some weird sort of female empowerment.

It would be short sighted to just rip on her and the whole nine. What's that gonna do? We tried that with Kreayshawn and look how that turned out. Still here, still bumming you out, DAILY.

Why do kids think this shit is cool? Seriously? Someone please email, tweet, shout at me on the street why this is something that is fashionable, relevant, trending, good or anything of value.

I'm just spit wadding here but I'm going to attempt to guess what her face tattoos mean:

- Phoenix

Probably her kid's name. Nothing says Mommy loves you like a face tattoo that prevents her from getting a normal job. I've never tried feeding my kid a snapback or a hoodie. Maybe I'm missing the train on that one.

- Sepitedal? Sepidermal?

I can't even read that one. Always good when you can't actually read the script. Also it's a really good idea to let some "bogan" from Queensland who has been tattooing for all of 2 1/2 years zap your face with illegible script. Shot in the dark, but I'm guessing that word is Latin for something deep and profound?

The problem with Latin script tattoos is that it basically means you're a HUGE asshole. Because you're making people struggle to read a word from a DEAD language on purpose. On fucking PURPOSE! You purposely create the trap of "Oh, what does that mean?" Which then allows you (the asshole in this scenario) the chance to gloat for 10 seconds while you explain the Latin translation of the word from a language you and NO ONE IN THE WORLD even speaks.

- Conscious

What in the fuck? Conscious? I'm getting dizzy.

Anyways, again this chick probably gets a lot of hate mail and stuff and really she's just trying to do what a lot of younger people are doing. Get gratification INSTANTLY. Not a week from now. Not a month from now. Not a year from now. NOW! Fuck school, fuck learning a trade/skill, fuck learning from mistakes, I want to listen to rap music, take pictures of myself and get face tattoos.

I know SDTW is never really serious, but please kids, ask someone to give you a hug or some shit. Don't go all in using your face as some shop's apprentice's permanent sketch pad.

Life is hard, but don't make it even harder by putting some shit on your face.

SDTW Look Books Are For Assholes

And where in the fuck are you climbing off to homie?

Did you leave your palmade up on the roof?

Is there a fucking Vampire Weekend show up there that only you and the guy from the Apple commercials knows about?

Are these "mercantile" brands that oblivious? Like never in the history of life has a dude with that fucking hair cut ever climbed an "urban" ladder to work unless his job was to find a place to do key bumps.

Outta here = da fuck out

Hey cuz, I mustache you a question.

Why are you a fucking asshole dude?

You trying to win the Guinness Book Of World Records for being the biggest wimp of all time?

You look like when my girlfriend put's on my work shirt and tie and uses her hair to pretend she is a business man dawg. You are now the King Of Isapussy. You rule your domain with an iron limp wrist. I don't think you could even piss sitting down. You probably lay down when you have to pee.

And why the in the fuck are you looking down? Is there a copy of Catcher In The Rye on the ground?

Sub-note:

If you've been wondering why there is less of my prestigious op-ed pieces and more just internet shit it is because there is a project in the works.

Until the shit is ready for print I am not going to gas you all up, but be on the look for

PRESTIGIOUS KNOWLEDGE

Dropping 20 motherfucking 12

SDTW Look Books Are For Assholes

Meanwhile.......

At Hogwarts there is a lookbook photo shoot going down for some mysterious sneaker lifestyle brand.

I only can guess that the description will read something like:

"The haunting memory of craftsmanship from an eerie time before."

Like how you gonna put something that cost $78 dollars inside a castle that cost 4.7 million euros and act like they are on the same team?

That's like pulling up in a Maybach and stepping out rocking fucking JNCO's. This is like having a girlfriend that looks like Natalie Portman but has the pussyhole stretch of Pam Anderson. In other words it is not a good strategy to play "which one of these does not belong?" with consumers.

I can gurantee the Duke of WherevaTheFuckThatIs-ylvania is not walking around in a pair of these contemporary sub luxury Jordan knockoffs. That dude is probably wearing loafers made out of lamb anus that were soaked in baby shark's tears.

Oh and which one of these kicks is the collabo yall did with Voldemort?

That's the homie btw.

And that is all I really gots to say bout this right chea.

SDTW Look Books Are For Assholes

Come the fuck on.

I would rather finger Whoopi Goldberg on ecstasy than have to have wear that outfit in public.

And someone let you guys have a photoshoot next to their van without throwing bottles at you? How?

Ah, Europe. This shit has to be from Europe. I should have known by looking at that pig nosed model. I don't even really know what to say about this one. It just doesn't make sense. What is that outfit?

It looks like something you'd wear if you were plotting to gay rape a dude at an Ace Of Bass show. It is gay rape camouflage.

That's a thing now?

Gay Rape Camoflage is now a thing apparently.

Welp, I guess my whole closet is obso-fucking-lete now.

Damn.

SDTW Look Books Are For Assholes

Okay, let's say I buy into this whole "mountain man" motif you guys are pitching here.

I have climbed zero mountains in my life, but science and common sense both tell me that cargo sweat pants are not going to fucking cut it at that elevation player.

Oh and not to be a stickler for accuracy, but what the fuck is the point of a map with no fucking information on it?

Where you planning this ambitious and fashionable expedition to? Nowhereistan? Guessafornia?

Oh and what's that you got there? Luggage? The fuck you need luggage for? You gonna play dress up at 5,000 ft too?

This whole shit is some serious limp wristed REI swag jack to the tenth power.

This wouldn't even have caught made my radar if you were wearing said kit in front of a coffee shop because that is a part of my daily RSISD or my "Retarded Shit I See Daily" quota for those of you not in the know.

I'd rather see 10 juggalos than one fucking wannabe Wherpa (white sherpa).

Happy Friday.

SDTW Look Books Are For Assholes

Haven't had any coffee so instead of writing out why this "look book photo is for assholes" I will just allow you guess what I would say.

Hintety hint hint

Look Books Are For Assholes Part 2

The fuck does this mean?

What is this brand trying to convey here?

Our bags are so mother fucking luxurious that you can stick them in the Hudson River. You'll be in such awe that you can do nothing more than stand there and look all stoic and shit.

The fuck is this dude even supposed to be thinking about?

The only way this picture would make sense is if this was an advertisement for plane crashes.

And instead of an ambulance responding they sent some dude that runs the merch table for XX.

SDTW Asks?

SDTW Asks...

Why do brands even bother making look books?

Are they gluttons for photographic mediocrity?

Perhaps.

Now this is not a rip on any of the brands in the above photos. I don't even know who half of them are. I just dragged look book photos on to my desktop for 5 minutes until I had enough.

Even if it was a rip on these brands you wouldn't even know which ones I was ripping on because look book photos are so bland that it is nearly impossible to even tell what brand is featured in them.

Don't believe me?

One of those photos is from the fucking Gap. Good luck picking it out.

The definition of a look book (taken from Wikipedia):

"A look book is a collection of photographs compiled to show off a model, a photographer, a style, or a clothing line.[1] It is an especially popular term with "fashion bloggers"..."

So there you have it from the horse's mouth.

To show off a clothing line you say?

Well how do most clothing lines choose to show off?

They simply get skinny alien looking white dudes (not always) to wear their clothes in non-descript and otherwise "mysterious" locations. Once the photographer and wardrobe have set-up they have the models pout or look off to the side at stuff that is not there.

To be fair I made a few look books in my day. I have friends that make look books not too much different than the ones above. I just wonder though....why does anyone even bother?

Just throw it on a white background and call it a day dudes.

We are wasting brain cells and energy by simply compiling photos of people standing around pretending that they are not "pretending to stand around". That is all it is.

Now some brands go the "candid" route. Cheers for the attempt and trying to think out of the box.

Guess what though?

Having a dude smoke a cigarette or drink a beer in your pocket t-shirt does not make your company "harder" than the rest. My aunt smokes cigs and drinks beer so should I put her in a flannel and take pictures of her too?

In fact if someone did use their aunt for a look book shot I would applaud them.

Some of you may argue that these photos serve to add style and context to the theme of that particular line or season. Okay. Well how much fucking context does one need for a fucking t shirt?

Zero...................

I've decided that.

Well what if you have multiple pieces in a line like jeans, hats, knits, tops, accessories? To show case multiple items you need to have situations where the model can where them, right?

Homie.....

Let me catch someone in real life wearing one brand from head to toe.

That is not an outfit that is a fucking uniform.

Who does that?

None of my friends wear one brand head to toe (I should hope not). So why create a fake situation where people are pretending to hang out and all happen to be dressed head to toe in the same gear?

Now does it take talent to take photos?

In most cases, yes.

Does it take talent to design these lines?

Of course.

Does it take art direction and creativity to do these look books?

Yeah, I can not say with certainty that I could do any better.

I just think that it would be a lot better for people to use that time to work on other things instead of doing THE EXACT SAME THING EVERY SEASON.



Now look at this photo from Insight.

That is a look book photo.

It demonstrates creativity, execution, skill, and just overall awesomness.

And it is from a fucking surf company.

Step up your game street wear, bullshit Americana, Japan, and all you other brands because that right there is way better than any skinny tattooed asshole pouting in the corner smoking a cigerette pretending to not notice the naked anorexic chick sitting next to him on the taxidermied lion.