Thursday, September 15, 2011

Swing And A Miss

One of the gods (B.Powders hisself) sent me a link to this site that sells painted axes for 3 gillion dollars. If that isn't considered having someone financially piss in your face I don't know what is.

If you were to ask me if I was mad as in "U Mad?" I would have to say yes. This makes me mad. The fuck kind of bullshit world are we living in? How and why is this allowed? Who in the fuck, and I mean in the fuck wholeheartedly is dropping duckets on limited edition axes?


The shit is $26.95 at Home depot and negative free ninety nine if you have a Dad with a decent tool shed.

You might not be able to tell unless you click on the picture, but they carved the word "compassion" on this one. What kind of kush are you guys smoking? You know what that word means right? Compassion? Unless someone uses that shit to chop down a door of a burning orphanage of chinese down sydrome kids or some shit I can't possibly imagine how the word compassion can ever be used symbolically with an axe.

This is how I feel.

Of course it didn't stop there....

No no my friends they also got you covered for all your flag box needs. For $1,900 you can get a wood box with 26 wood flags in it. Just in case you need that shit. Just in case you need WOOD FLAGS? Who in the wild fuck needs wood flags homie? Who? Motherfucker explain this shit pleaaaaassssseeeee. When has anyone ever requested such an item? Not ever in ever times infinity that's when.

The people are out there starving and broke and we got people trying to slang WOOD FLAGS. How in the fuck does this company even sleep at night? 10 OC's and shot of bourbon?

Oh my bad. I wasn't supposed to show you these. They haven't dropped yet. Oh what are they? They're nothin really dude, just some $180 pair of scissors made out of dragon's dick or some shit.

And in case you need a limited edition map...wait what? No that can't be right. Ain't no one in their right mind selling limited edition maps. Oh that's right. You motherfuckers are out of your mother fucking granola minds with this shit. Maps? Fucking maps? What kind of map do I get for $180 bucks? Does the shit tell you where to find Solomon's Mines? Can't it only be read in moonlight in the enchanted forest with the other half of the amulet?

I want whoever is responsible for this to line up so that I can personally kick each and everyone of you pretentious modern craftsmen asshole wannabes in either your dick or vagina. You will have to of course remove your wool long johns as I feel that might provide too much cushioning against my kick.

The best part is they are based in Manhattan. The fucking motherland of all outdoor activity. Of course they are. Where else would a limited edition axe and map selling boutique be located? Don't mind the looks you'll get when you walk through Soho with your candy painted axe. No one's gonna trip dawg.

No press is bad press:



  1. Fuck, I just saw this website like 2 days ago. Not only will they sell you a $275 axe, they'll take another $95 off of you for a first aid kit for said axe.

  2. if you axe me that's a bargain derek

  3. I read they don't even make the axes themselves. For real. They buy a regular ace-hardware-style generic axe probably at wholesale discount, and then paint them up pretty like that and sell em back at infinity markup for their little dip and dry, arts and crafts bullshit.

    This is the actual manufacturer that they cop from:

  4. It's like Hennesy Youngman says, if you cant make it fake it and over explain it. Take a stroll through etsy or craigslist arts/crafts section, you'll split your wig.hold on though, Imagine the fucked up narccisistic sheltered world views of these clowns thinking someone would buy this crap with hard earned cash. I think street art toy collectables within the hip hop world are just as awful.
    Go watch "the curse of the mona lisa" it's a brainy video essay/documentary on the stupidity of modern art and the super egos that dwell in it.

  5. Patrick Bateman gives this two thumbs up

  6. But it completes my John Muir 2.0 minimalist kit.

    -sent from my oak iPhone

  7. You gotta peep the "Our Customers" section on their site.

    Using British spelling for words like "favourite" really caps this off as the most douche site ever. When the race war pops off these clowns are gonna be the first to get it.

  8. Ironically they will be the first slain the race yet, they are convinced of their own "preparedness"

  9. Carl is a legend!!!!

  10. is brings me so much joy to read your posts

  11. hahahaha your angry tirades really help me get through my days.

  12. Bike Snob has been going ape shit at the fucks for a while now, he's also been giving a wheel barrow full of shit on the 'minimalist lifestylers' that are so popular at the moment in NY. I pray to God that this awful craze gets to London.

  13. man, that customer section. ok, so you've got yer fuckin fancy axe, a log cabin "up north" and you live what you think is a more or less self sustainable lifestyle. right, so how about we take away your mac. how about we take away your iphone. how about we take away your decked-out Defender and watch your world fucking melt. if you ever offered a real woodsman a 250 quid axe, i'm pretty sure he'd take it the fuck right off you and plunge it into your fortified skull.

  14. also, they invented this thing awhile back called the chainsaw. it's probably an obscene word in these circles of "Minimalist Lifestyle" cunts, but i'm pretty sure the reasoning behind this neat little invention was to prevent woodcutters of all kinds crippling back pain in later life. try go cutting the evenings firewood with an axe when your spine is the shape of a question mark.

    Best Made Projects Customers: The people who you emulate and inspire you would probably like to do nothing more than take a massive shit on you.

  15. You guys are all too angry at this stuff. It's dumb, but you gotta let it go. hahaha.. jeez.